The Fear

I read a great book when I first found out I had to have chemotherapy called Tea & Chemo by Jackie Buxton.  She has a section titled “The Fear”. I love how placing a “The” before fear captures its magnitude and weight. 

For me, the fear is about the cancer returning (recurrence) as it seems I just might survive my current course of treatment.  When I let myself imagine what it would be like to find out the cancer has metastasized, that my time may have run out and I have to leave my husband, son, and family of friends, I slide to a level of sadness that feels unbearable.  I want to find a way to prevent the fear from consuming me or from blocking any of the joy that is in the here and now. I want to develop a new relationship with the fear.  And maybe even become less afraid all together.

Here are some of the strategies that have helped me thus far in the hopes that you might find some comfort and relief too:

• A friend of mine, Dena Samuels (she has great meditations on Insight Timer!) created a meditation for me on fear.  In this meditation, she shares the importance of acknowledging the fear, thanking it as fear plays an important role of protecting us at times, and expressing my desire to stay in the present.  So now, when I realize I am rolling around in fearful thoughts, I say “Hi Fear.  I see you.  Thank you for doing your job. I am choosing to stay here in the present, surrounded by love.”  It works.  I feel better every time.  You could develop a saying that feels right for you.
  
• I found myself quickly scrolling past any articles or blog posts that discussed dying from cancer because I was so afraid.  Then one evening I saw an article entitled “Finding Hope In The Face of a Terminal Diagnosis”.  My breath quickened and I almost moved on, but something in me said “maybe reading it will help you to reduce your fear.  Dip your toe in and see how you feel.” I read the wonderful article with tears streaming down my face and, afterwards, I felt braver and less afraid.  I decided that even though I don’t want to spend too much time thinking about dying, thinking about it a little could take some of the fear away.
  
• I thought it might be helpful to read about the near death experiences of others.  I read Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani and Forever Ours: Real Stories of Immortality and Living from a Forensic Pathologist by Janis Amatuzio, MD.  The common themes of being met with immeasurable love, warmth, and light in the afterlife brought me comfort. To think about how we are spiritual beings and our time on earth is just one part of our experience is lovely.  The idea that in the end, we are all okay, calms me. 
  
• When I remember that any of us could go at anytime, that all we have is the here and now, I feel better. It sounds strange, but it can be freeing to remember that part of what makes life so precious is that it is temporary. Soak it all in. Love like crazy.

I would love to know if you have found any strategies for dealing with the fear.  Please share.