I Don’t Want to Put This Behind Me

Today is the one-year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis.  I remember the day very well and there’s a big part of me that is happy to remember the entire year of challenges and victories. Yes, I wanted to donate my wigs as quickly as possible.  Yes, I wanted to finish chemotherapy and radiation.  Yes, I wanted my hair to grow back, to have energy again, and to eat salads with abandon.  But, when people say, “Don’t give your cancer a second thought once this is over,” and “you need to go back to life as usual”, or “beat this thing and move on”, I say “No, thank you.” 

I don’t want to go back to how I was before.  I want to remember this experience deeply and how it has changed me.  The old me was often wrapped up in my to do lists, my seemingly endless search for my life’s purpose, and my quest to stay young, vital, and beautiful.  The new me knows that life is fragile, that loving my people is of utmost importance, that it doesn’t matter what I do for a living, that my body is amazing because it is still here, and that aging is a badge of honor. 

I don’t want to forget that the cancer could return.  This knowledge motivates me to make wise decisions about how I spend my time.  It helps me to savor the moments of my life in a way I couldn’t before.  When my son hugs me, I hold on as long as he does and soak it all in.  I appreciate all the fun and loving moments of my life with a new enthusiasm that feels amazing. 

How can I keep from forgetting as time goes on?  I’m afraid I will slip into old ways of being if I’m not actively trying to remember.  The best way I can think of is to keep up my morning routine of centering myself by meditating, writing in my journal, or reading inspirational books in the morning.  This routine really helped me process cancer and the treatment process. I bet it can help me with the remembering too.  Maybe I could develop a mantra to keep me focused on what matters that I say to myself each morning.

I would love to hear your ideas!