From Cancer to COVID: Giving Ourselves Permission to Dream

I have found there to be many parallels between the COVID-19 experience and the cancer experience.  There’s the fear that likes to creep in as I am trying to fall asleep. There’s the Groundhog Day like quality of each day at home.  There’s a need to stay focused on the present because the future is one big question mark. And, most helpfully, I have had the same desire to use this time wisely, to have something positive to focus on while doing the work of staying home with my family and all that that entails.  Whereas my goal during chemotherapy was focused on walking, my goal during COVID is to see this as an incubation period for what’s coming next.  What should my life goals be going forward?  What do I want to put my energy into?  

I decided to read through all my old journals and organize my old pictures to look for clues about what has always interested me and lit me up. I have started seeing themes, but mostly it has been nice to see just how full my life has been and how lucky I am.  I have accomplished most of the things I have set my mind to.  Which got me thinking, I really should clarify what I would like in my life, write it down, manifest!  I even listened to a thought provoking talk about how by clarifying what I want for the future and how I want to feel, I have the power to make it happen.  “Great!,” I thought, “let’s do it!”

But I couldn’t.  At first I thought it was because I just didn’t have many ideas, but then, as I was trying to fall asleep and calm my fearful thoughts, it hit me.  I haven’t been able to dream about the future because, through the cancer experience, I became so afraid that I wouldn’t have a future, I decided to not even think about having one.  As if, by not planning for the future, I was protecting myself from the disappointment over not having one.  And, by not thinking too far ahead, I wouldn’t seem “cocky”.  How dare I assume I have a future?!

Unfortunately, by not thinking about a future, I am missing out on the chance to manifest the dreams that I really would love to see come true.  I decided that it would be best to humbly and respectfully dare to dream.  I asked myself, five years down the road, how do I want my life to be?  I didn’t pressure myself to be specific.  The dreams just poured out of me it felt good to be brave.

Have you ever found yourself, either because of cancer, other major threats to your health or the health of those you love, or economic uncertainty, afraid to look ahead?  Afraid to be so bold as to ask for what you want? If so, I encourage you to try.  It can feel so good to say, “I know the future is in many ways out of my hands, but I want to state, for the record, these are my hopes and dreams.”  I don’t think it matters if you share these hopes with yourself, your journal, the Universe, your favorite people, or all of the above.  It only matters that you allow yourself the freedom of having them.  

Please let me know in a comment if you have ever been afraid to dream about the future and how you have (or if you have) pushed through it. 

Daisy photo courtesy of Allie Smith on Unsplash.